appendisectometronomy

so i got my appendix removed on thursday night.

most people presumed that my appendix had burst, but in reality mine was only really inflamed which makes it a bit less dangerous, and therefore a bit less sexy. in fact, by the time i went into surgery the pain was the least that it had been all day which made me feel pretty bad for wasting(?) my parents money, private hospital indeed.

ive had surgery before and going in is always pretty fun.

you change into your hospital gown, flash your bum at a bunch of people, secretly eat and drink even though they tell you not to, and be a massive brat.

i was the last surgery of the day which made me a bit scared that i had pissed off everyone, preventing them from leaving 45 minutes earlier, but the surgery team were all super chill which kinda made me expect Turk from Scrubs to pop out at anytime. i had this big ranga surgeon chat with me, he looked like skinny Seth Rogen- whenever you meet celebrity doppelgangers you never know whether to alert them to the fact, especially if the celebrity isnt exactly known for being classically beautiful. i told a colleague she looked like Lily Allen and she got mad prissy at me once. like whatevs. one of the nurses commented that she had 'ex-relatives' in my neighbourhood, so i questioned her usage of 'ex-relatives' which led to her curtly revealing she had being divorced. one of my numerous boo-boos during my hospital stay lolol. i talk too much.

now the surgery to remove the appendix is pretty simple, its just a keyhole surgery which means that they inflate your tum-tum with some sorta gas, a little camera goes into your tummy and they shoot the appendix with NERF guns until it surrenders. dead simple.

i go under general anesthetic, and wake up coughing blood. fucking surgeon. turns out because im the worlds fittest (ex)smoker i had some sort of negative pressure somethingsomething occurring, which meant i had drawn in blood and fluids into my lungs whilst the anesthesia pipe was in my lungs.

im lying on the bed coughing up blood, vision slowly returning and i see my parents walk in. they look at me, look at my blood stained mouth and are like 'sup?' my mum is the biggest worry wart but she was so fucking cool lol. piss me off.

anyway, the only other funny story i have is that i wake up in the ICU department, and im looking at my bandages when i realize that my pubes had been shaved. i knew everyone was gonna see my penis, but did they have to shave my pubes whilst i was out? they did a really bad job too. cmoooon toshi.

but yeah getting your appendix removed FUCKING SUCKS. because its your stomach, and therefore you core, and you do everything through your core. i cant fucking stand up straight, cant walk fast, probably cant drive, cant cough, boohoohoo. whatevs. BORED.

oh yeah my girlfriend is going overseas today.
this blows.